The need to be present.
I’m a worrier. I worry about the anxiety I know I’m going to feel. I stress about finances before I need to. I worry about feeding my kids when there’s plenty of food in the house. I worry I don’t fit in. I worry my life has no meaning. I worry that I come from a place of lack. I worry that I’m not enough. I worry my life isn’t enough. That somehow I’m not measuring up to what I ‘should’ be. I fear I shall forever feel lost and unsure.
Recently I have felt more and more as if I have no place. As if I’m drifting through my life the way I sometimes drift through a conversation. Making noises in the right places, nodding when I need to, contributing a sentence here or there………..but not really being a part of it.
I seem to have had a light bulb moment. Not really a light bulb moment in the truest sense. It’s not been a flick of the switch illuminating all the darkness. It’s been more of a dimmer switch being turned on and ever so slowly being turned up. It gets turned up a little and I can see shadows in the darkness. And there I’ll stay for a while groping around in the dark, knowing there’s something there, but not being able to make out a true form. The light gets turned up a little more. Now the shadows have shapes but it’s still way too dark to make them out. I start to get glimpses of what may be within arms reach, but nothing solid. Nothing I can hold.
I seem to have gotten to a point where the light is now bright enough to be able to make out what’s around me. It’s still not a totally clear picture, but it’s enough to wonder whether what I see now was always there and it was just too dark to see it, or whether it’s something that’s brand new.
The feeling of disconnection, the feeling of lack, of something being missing all stems from the fact that I’m always trying to be like everyone else. I’m trying to fit into the round shaped hole that society has allocated me when I’m poorly suited to that role.
The need to be present is overwhelming. The worry and disconnection comes from living by past experiences or more importantly, from living in fear of the future. Being totally present and in the moment seems to alleviate those feelings but it requires discipline.
I’m not used to living in the here and now. Although in reality that’s really the only time we really ever have. So I have to keep checking myself. When I get that knot of anxiety I have to ask myself, “Is the cause of the anxiety in this moment?” If the answer is no, then I have to force myself to let it go.
I shall continue to live more in the present moment in the hope it’ll eventually become second nature. It’s got to be better than the alternative right?